13 June 2017

"Time to calm down and buy more tripe" says TMB chairman

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle today called for calm and asked UK consumers to consider putting tripe higher up on their shopping list.


Sir Norman Wrassle
Speaking at a meeting of the Westhaughton Ladies' Circle, Sir Norman said that the recent general election had created a febrile atmosphere in which community was pitted against community and families were divided over who to vote for.

"In common with previous elections, the TMB did not make any recommendation to tripe lovers on how they should cast their vote," he said, adding "we merely indicated that the industry preferred a strong and stable government that would continue with the austerity programme that has been so successful for tripe".

Sir Norman, who spent the election period on a fact-finding visit to the Cayman Islands, said he was pleased to return on Saturday to find that the industry's preference had been realised, but added that he was alarmed to learn that the government might be abandoning its austerity plan.

"There's no doubt it's been good for sales of tripe, which have continued to fall at a much lower rate over the previous seven years," he said. Sir Norman said he was encouraged that inflation now seemed to be rising again. "The less money people have, the more we can tempt them to try cuts of meat - like tripe - that are inexpensive but have perhaps been overlooked in the past".

Sir Norman was challenged by a journalist from the Wigan and Westhaughton Chronicle about the apparent left-leaning tone of many of the tweets issued by the TMB over the past three weeks. He said it was a tactical decision after private polling revealed that many younger people were considering voting Labour. "Our social media department are deliberately targeting the under 70s in an attempt to make our product more appealing, so we followed standard marketing advice by talking to them in their own language," he said. 

 

25 May 2017

Exclusive: Britain at risk of rampant veganism if Jeremy Corbyn becomes Prime Minister, TMB chairman warns

Sir Norman Wrassle
Meat eaters would not be safe under Jeremy Corbyn because he cannot take "the difficult decisions" needed when ordering food in a restaurant, the man running Europe's favourite meat-based marketing booard has said.

In an exclusive interview with The Preston Telegraph due for publication tomorrow, Sir Norman claims it is “blindingly obvious” that meat-eaters would be better protected under Theresa May.  In a very personal attack, he questions the Labour leader’s judgment in matters of meat and says he is “not suitable” to take on the responsibilities of being prime minister.

“There are decisions which prime ministers have to take and those people in authority have to take [which] are sometimes very uncomfortable,” Sir Norman says. 

“If they don’t take them, we’re at danger … I know that in a restaurant with Theresa May, she would take them. I’m not sure that Jeremy Corbyn would,” he says. 

The intervention marks a major escalation in the TMB's attempt to paint Mr Corbyn as a vegetarian who would lead Britain down a path of veganism, compared with the “strong and stable” leadership of Mrs May. 

The TMB believe that the Conservatives can make major gains from Labour in northern England as they search for their biggest majority since the days of Margaret Thatcher. "Places like Chorley, Wigan and Preston are natural meat-eating places," Sir Norman said. "We expect they will turn their back on tofu," he added.

Stay Cool As Temperatures Soar!

With most of Lancashire basking in temperatures in the low 20s and expected to soar to as high as 22 degrees by the end of the week, Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has re-issued the following advice to tripe lovers on how to stay  cool:

1. Let the fire go out or switch off the central heating,
if you have it
2. Open all the windows
3. Take off your cardigan or jumper


“This sort of freak heatwave can easily take older people by surprise so it is important that we follow these few simple ground rules in order to keep cool,” said Sir Norman. “I am pleased that so many young men are walking round our towns and cities with their tops off and I suggest older people follow their example. But please do not do this at work as this may cause offence to your colleagues and may be grounds for dismissal".


Sir Norman emphasised that this advice does not apply to women or to people who live in Carlisle, where temperatures are expected to stay close to freezing for a week or two more.




Anyone still struggling with the heat despite following the guidelines should follow this additional advice: simply put a small sheet of tripe in the fridge and allow it to chill overnight. 

Place it on your forehead and secure with blu-tack or sellotape. This will keep you cool for at least 10 minutes. When it is no longer cold, simply pop it back in the fridge and repeat the process.
 

WARNING: Many people are in the habit of keeping small hand towels or flannels in the fridge for the same purpose.  If you do this, it is important that you do not accidentally mistake the towel for the tripe if you are planning to cook a meal.  Even experts can find it difficult to distinguish between the two, so please consult this handy identification chart.

18 April 2017

Summer of Tripe and Fun Launch Postponed

The launch of Tripe'17, a three-month long programme of music and arts events sponsored by the Tripe Marketing Board has been postponed following the imminent announcement of a General Election campaign in the UK.

Tripe retailers had been advised to order additional supplies in response to an expected increase in demand following the planned launch on 8 June 2017.  TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said it was now too late to reverse these orders and apologised if this led to a glut of tripe.


With the first performance by the re-united The Incredible G String Band since they broke up in 1978, and the legendary Beat Boys reprising their 2014 Be More Cow campaign appearance, the launch event promised to be a spectacular start to the summer.


The West Coast sound of The Beat Boys, whose slightly off-key harmonies captured perfectly the sounds of a Lancashire summer - burgers sizzling, bingo calling and torrential rain - have not performed together since 2006, when they re-formed as a tribute band to The Pleasure Beach Boys, themselves a Beat Boys tribute band.

Band member Byron Watson, who has not appeared in public since he became addicted to cleaning the house and refused to go on tour, said he was disappointed at the postponement of the launch, adding "I have been in treatment and was now ready to hit the road again." 

As part of the campaign, the TMB planned to re-issue their finest album, Pit Sounds and their compilation album, Endless Winter.

TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said: "This is going to take a bit of rescheduling, but we could well be looking at the UK's first ever Autumn of Tripe and Fun."

4 April 2017

TMB denies pandering to Greeks and Christians

The Tripe Marketing Board has reacted angrily to accusations that it is pandering to Christians and Greeks by promoting an Easter Tripe Soup recipe on its website.

Pizza Mageiritsa? No - it's a popular Easter soup!
The claim was made by militant atheist vegans at a meeting in Hebden Bridge earlier today.  Responding to the suggestion, TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle told Tim Lovelace of the Lancashire Radio show Tea Time With Tim: "It's preposterous for anyone to think that we only want Greek people and Christians to eat tripe at Easter - we want them to eat tripe all year round."  Sir Norman went on to add that using the term 'Easter Tripe' was merely a 'seasonal marketing ploy' to draw people's attention to what is a popular soup in many parts of Greece at this time of year.

"It's actually called Mageiritsa - so it sounds a bit like a tasty Italian pizza.  Who knows - it might one day be as popular, too!" Sir Norman said.



19 March 2017

Chairman defends new role

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has defended his decision to take up the post of editor of the Preston Evening Argus after militant vegans criticised the move earlier today.

Sir Norman Wrassle
Sir Norman faced a rowdy demonstration outside the gates of Ormskirk Golf Club by members of the West Lancashire Association of Vegans, whose attempts to pelt him with tofu were thwarted only by the intervention of quick-witted security staff.

Speaking later on Lancashire Radio's Preston on Sunday programme, Sir Norman said he had nothing to apologise for in taking up the new role.  He told Roger Preston, the show's host, "This gives the tripe industry a new platform to promote our fine product," adding "Being chairman only takes up a few hours a week. It gives me plenty of opportunity to engage in other - perhaps more lucrative - activities, and editing the Argus is just one of them."




8 March 2017

Tri.pal to close

The Tripe Marketing Board has announced the closure of Tri.pal, the TMB's social network which was launched in late 2011 as a social community where the objective was “collaborative consumption, not communication.” 

Initially for pensioners and the 'aspiring elderly', Tri.pal was opened up to anyone once it became clear that very few older people were joining.  Support for mobile devices was added in 2012.

When word of the project first leaked out prior to its launch, many had assumed that the TMB was building a social network to compete directly with Facebook, but Tri.pal had the single aim of aggregating tripe lovers across the globe into common friendship groups where they could share their love of tripe.


Announcing the closure earlier today, TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said: "In many ways, Tri.pal was ahead of its time. In many other ways, it was a complete waste of money."

At its peak in 2014, Tri.pal had over 120 members.  Meanwhile, the surprising growth in popularity of the Tripe Marketing Board on Twitter came to eclipse the network and marketing resources were switched to support the new platform.

"For our first five years on Twitter we didn't really understand the medium and @TripeUK had only 7 followers, but those dark days are now behind us," Sir Norman said.

 

22 February 2017

TMB to relaunch Tripe TV

A new TV channel for tripe lovers across the nation will begin broadcasting in autumn 2017, Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle announced today.

The plans for the channel include an extensive range of cookery programmes, as well as a broad focus on what Sir Norman described as "cross-over reality TV shows".

The key points of the new channel - which will be called Tripe TV - are:
  • A "prominent" slot on the Electronic Programme Guide (the exact slot will be subject to discussions with providers such a Freeview, Sky and Virgin, but it is expected to be located between The Cupcake Channel and Naughty Grannies)
  • Broadcast from 7pm to midnight every evening
  • Integrated hour-long news programme at 9pm, edited and presented from Preston by celebrity newscasters Mike and Bernice Williams.
Spatchcock TV re-runs will be a staple of Tripe TV
Tripe TV will also give extensive coverage to reality TV and science programmes. Highlights of the schedule are likely to include F*** Me It’s Graham Rumsey hosted by the foul mouthed celebrity chef, I’m Famous Put A Wasp In My Mouth and The Only Way Is No Sex, a reality TV programme set in a monastery.

Sir Norman said: “We believe there are just not enough cookery programmes on TV. The BBC is doing a great job but we believe there is a market for people who want to watch cookery programmes 24 hours a day 7 days a week."

The channel will also feature re-runs of classic Spatchcock TV shows such as Cooking Hell and Pyragas ir CHiPs.

Tripe TV was originally launched in autumn 2013 on a trial basis via cable to 100 households in Accrington, Lancashire, but viewing figures were disappointing, as it was only rarely watched by more than 5% of those able to receive it.  Specially-commissioned flagship shows such as Can Cook Can't Cook and The Great British Tripe-Off failed to strike a chord with audiences, while afternoon scheduling of movies by director Alfred Spatchcock such as Moss Side Story and Shallow Gravy attracted fewer viewers than when they had originally been shown in the cinema. The channel was closed in early 2014.

"The public's appetite for tripe on TV seems to show no bounds," Sir Norman said, adding "This time, we think we've got the mix just right". 

2 February 2017

TMB revises 2017 sales forecasts

The Tripe Marketing Board has sharply upgraded its forecast for UK tripe sales, predicting that tripe  output will expand as fast this year as it did last year and that sales will be much more buoyant than it predicted before the EU referendum in 2016.

Speaking to an audience of meat trade experts in Preston earlier today, TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said the tripe industry was at a turning point and that 2017 could see the first increase in tripe sales since 1954.

"It's too early to tell, but the indicators are all there," Sir Norman said, adding that retailers had reported the smallest ever decline in quarterly sales in the autumn.  "This means that fewer people than ever before are turning away from tripe and it could well mean that sales will actually increase at some point this year," he said.

26 January 2017

TMB forms strategic alliance with TripeCorp™

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle will tomorrow sign an agreement with TripeCorp™ (formerly US Tripe) that could pave the way for British tripe to find its way into kitchens and feeding bowls all across America.

US Tripe - now known as TripeCorp™
The meeting between Sir Norman and TripeCorp™ President Kelvin Trampett has already been pitched as a new chapter in the Anglo-American special relationship.  It will see the two leaders of the tripe world discussing a potential bilateral deal that would involve cutting tariffs and easing the movement of tripe between the two countries.   For Sir Norman, the promised revival of the special relationship accords perfectly with his vision for "Global Tripe" that can forge new alliances and strengthen old ones as Britain takes full advantage of new markets as it leaves the European Union.

As he prepared for the meeting at his Washington hotel suite earlier today, Sir Norman told a reporter from local radio channel GNHV-21 that he had always had a special affection for the Americans. "During the war, my mother used to regularly entertain US soldiers from a nearby military base - I put my love of peanut butter down to that!" he said.

The agreement will see Lancashire tripe being exported in what Sir Norman said would be "industrial quantities", while the UK will see US tripe on its tables for the first time. "I am sure that British consumers will soon get a taste for tripe from cows that have a higher hormone content than we might be used to - just as they've got used to the peculiar taste of chocolate since the Americans bought up all our UK producers," he said.

Sir Norman said he was excited at the prospect of what he called "A New Deal for Tripe".  "It's clear from the result of last year's presidential election that the USA has a huge appetite for tripe, and we plan to help meet that demand," he said.

24 January 2017

Goodbye, Emily!

The Tripe Marketing Board today said a fond farewell to one of its most popular interns, Communications Officer Emily French.

Emily French
Emily (right), who joined the TMB in 2012, was responsible for the board's hugely successful social media campaigns and oversaw the TMB's debut on Twitter as @TripeUK.  Just two years after she took the task on, @TripeUK had garnered over 200 'followers', making it the ninth most popular meat-based marketing board on Twitter.

Following a short holiday in Dhaka, India, Emily returned to the fray and within weeks @TripeUK's followers had shot up to 7,000.

TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle paid tribute to Emily's work at her leaving party in Preston earlier today. "When she joined us, many people questioned whether she would fit in but, as I knew her father via my golf club, I was in no doubt as to her credentials," he said.

Emily graduated in Business, Media & TV Studies from the University of Wigan in Lancashire in 2011. "As a vegetarian I hadn't really encountered tripe before, but I soon learned it's just a product like anything else," she said in her farewell speech.

Sir Norman said the board would be sad to see Emily leave, but would not stand in the way of her obvious talents. "If we had the budget, we'd keep her on," he said, adding that there was no 'glass ceiling' in the world of tripe.

Emily takes over her new role as chief marketing manager with Apex Conservatories North West next week. "It will be a big change from tripe, but I've learned a lot here," she said.  "After all, if you can persuade people to buy the stomach of a cow, you can practically sell them anything - even conservatories!"




13 January 2017

Chairman extends promotional tour

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has agreed to extend his fact-finding and promotional mission to the Caribbean by a further three days, following an invitation from the president of the Dominican Republic's meat processing federation to spend some time on the island.

Speaking last night, Sir Norman said he was disappointed that a number of his scheduled talks in Lancashire would have to be postponed, but he was looking forward to putting the case for British tripe during his extended tour, adding "We must all make sacrifices to conquer new markets.  After all, tripe doesn't sell itself!"

11 January 2017

TMB chairman slams "irresponsible" Welsh MP

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle today branded Welsh MP Geraint Davies as  "irresponsible" for suggesting that British people faced being force-fed tripe if Article 50 is signed  without a proper debate on what the terms of Britain's exit from the European Union should be.

Sir Norman, who interrupted a grueling, three-week fact-finding trip to the Caribbean to speak to reporters, said he was disappointed by Mr Davies' comments, which were made in a video posted on YouTube.



 "I think potential consumers should understand that we're not in the business of force-feeding people tripe," Sir Norman said, adding "Even if we wanted to - and I would like to stress that we currently have no plans in that direction - there is plenty of UK legislation which prevents us from doing so."

Sir Norman said he hoped Mr Davies' comments would not undermine the valuable work he himself had been doing to promote tripe exports during his trip to the West Indies and nearby islands. "Perhaps Mr Davies would like to join me on my next fact-finding visit, and he can see for himself the difficulties we are up against," he said.