24 July 2016

TMB Fact-finding Mission to Madeira Underway

Final preparations for the Tripe Marketing Board's long-awaited fact-finding trip to Madeira were announced today by board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle, during an informal interview with Lancashire Radio presenter Shealagh Swales.

Funchal, Madeira (Courtesy WikiCommons)
Speaking on the Swales on Sunday show this lunchtime, Sir Norman said he was looking forward to what promised to be a punishing schedule of visits to meat processors, abattoirs and offal retailers on the island, an autonomous region of Portugal more famous for its export of wines, former Manchester United footballers and bananas.

"We've learned a terrific amount on our previous visits to some of the Greek islands and the Canaries, but the board felt it was time to try somewhere new," Sir Norman said.

The schedule begins with the team flying out from Manchester early tomorrow morning, and meetings are planned on Friday with some of the island's top import and export agencies.  The following Tuesday sees a visit to the capital's second biggest abattoir.  Sir Norman said: "Obviously, I hope we'll also get a chance to sample some of Madeira's traditional hospitality whilst we are there, but it's very much a case of fitting that in around official engagements."

Sir Norman said that with Britain's planned exit from the EU it was more important than ever that agencies such as the TMB built new links in readiness for free trade. He promised he would be making a full report to the board at its next scheduled meeting following his return in mid-August.

UK retailers and consumers are advised that a skeleton staff will be available at the TMBs office to handle enquiries over the next two weeks.

22 July 2016

TMB Meetings Suspended

All meetings of the Tripe Marketing Board have been suspended until after the September 2016 elections for board chairman.

TMB Chairman Sir Norman said it was a precautionary measure agreed in the light of anti-tripe abuse and bullying in the social media.  "In practical terms, this won't impact too much as we've only held three board meetings since 2007, and two of these were inquorate," he said.

Figures released by #SavingTripe campaign co-ordinator Unity Smitford suggest that as many as two dozen people enquired about joining Tripe Club in the last week, which means that membership could potentially be doubled overnight.  "We're already Europe's favourite meat-based marketing board on Twitter.  Tripe Club will allow us to reconnect with our core consumers and become a mass movement once again," Sir Norman predicted.

"Tripe Club membership costs just £9.99 and is much cheaper than some other ways of influencing political policy," Ms Smitford said.

17 July 2016

Saving Tripe

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has made an unprecedented call to those who believe in Tripe to rally together to prevent the dark forces of veganism from sabotaging the work of the TMB.

The call comes after a tripe stall in Chorley market was daubed with anti-meat slogans and a brick was thrown near the offices of the TMB in Preston. Staff at the offices have reported a three-fold increase in the number of abusive telephone calls received, which until recently had fallen to a record low of just 200 a day.

In a statement issued to the media earlier today, Sir Norman said: "We are living in febrile times, what with the EU referendum, a change of Prime Minister and the announcement that Len Goodman is stepping down from Strictly Come Dancing.  I myself have already consulted a psychiatrist to see whether it is possible to have the whole country sectioned under the Mental Health Act, but as of noon today have not received a response."

The Saving Tripe campaign will recruit supporters in readiness for the Board election campaign in September 2016.  Sir Norman described the move as "purely precautionary," and dismissed as "media hype" the suggestion that his position as chairman was at risk.

The TMB's Compliance Unit has already identified around 20 vegan followers among the TMB's followers on Twitter, but it is thought that there may be many more who are following under fake identities.