10 January 2019

Chairman rails against LGBTQ

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has condemned organisers of an LGBTQ parade due to take place in Lancashire this weekend, accusing them of politicising what is a "centuries old tradition."

Sir Norman Wrassle
His comments came after he was not invited to this year's Tripe Dresser's Sunday, making it  the first time in living memory that the TMB would not be represented at the event.  

Traditionally, this is the day when tripe dressers unveil their new aprons and parade proudly through the streets of local Lancashire villages, scattering shreds of their old aprons which are then devoured by stray dogs and small children.

The editorial panel of the Longridge and Goosnargh Butchers' Tripe Quarterly (LGBTQ) magazine has denied that the omission was linked to the TMB’s controversial move to its new Headquarters in Barnsley, but Sir Norman said "It is hard to escape this conclusion, as I have heard reports that a flat-bed truck has been seen carrying my ceremonial chair festooned with banners reading ‘Vacancy’."

Sir Norman has demanded a meeting with the LBGTQ to "sort this matter out in the old fashioned way”.

3 January 2019

TMB chairman 'not in hiding'

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has denied rumours circulating in the Lancashire media that he is in hiding, following a series of vicious responses to a Tweet he issued yesterday.

The Tweet, in which Sir Norman expressed disappointment that Greggs the bakers had launched a vegan version of their acclaimed sausage roll, drew immediate fire from Twitter-based vegans, with over 60 responses received within an hour.  

Sir Norman's Tweet
Earlier today Shaun Jacobs, host of the Lancashire Radio 6am news round-up show Morn', Shaun, fielded a number of calls from listeners who accused Sir Norman of 'deserting his post' and 'hiding away' when news emerged that he had cancelled his scheduled lunchtime speech to the Chorley Soroptimists.

In fact, Sir Norman was still in Jamaica, where he has been forced to extend his Christmas fact finding visit due to the knock-on effects of the delays caused at Gatwick by non-existent drones late last year.

Speaking from the capital Kingston this afternoon, Sir Norman said he was naturally disappointed not to be able to honour today's engagements, but denied suggestions that he had been asked to stay away from his home because of worries about militant vegans.

"I'll be back in the UK as soon as it's safe and feasible for me to be so - ready to start the long march that will surely see 2019 become the Year of Tripe!" he said.