24 July 2019

TMB apologises over news lapse

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle today apologised to tripe producers and consumers for the non-appearance of TMB Industry News over the last three months.

He blamed the non-publication on internal factors within the TMB, and denied that the lapse was in any way indicative of any greater difficulties.

Sir Norman Wrassle
"What happened was that the intern in charge of TMB Industry News left his position after he was offered a role in a competitor organisation, but he omitted to advise us that he had left," Sir Norman said.  He said the problem had only been identified late this morning, after which time swift action was taken to install a new editor.

"I myself had got out of the habit of reading TMB Industry News, so the matter hadn't really reached my desk, and it wasn't until we received an e-mail querying why it hadn't been updated in so long that we realised there had been an issue," he added.

Sir Norman promised that he would personally oversee the prompt and regular updates for which TMB Industry News is famous, as soon as he has returned from his forthcoming fact finding visit to Cyprus. "These are perilous times for tripe, as we approach the 31st October Brexit deadline.  I know people will want a strong steer and clear guidance and I pledge we will be there for them," he said.

13 April 2019

TMB to start 'No Brexit' contingency planning

The Tripe Marketing Board will this week begin a programme of contingency planning to ensure the readiness of the UK tripe industry for Britain staying in the EU.

Sir Norman Wrassle
Speaking at a private gathering of industry leaders last night, TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said it was crucial that the TMB took proper precautions for the eventuality.

"Our entire sales strategy for the last three years has been based on the assumption that the prospect of Brexit would force people to try a product to which they had previously turned up their noses. It's now clear that we must pivot if we are to reach our target of making 2019 the Year of Tripe," he said.

Sir Norman said the TMB would now be allocating substantial resources to No Brexit Planning, adding "I won't pretend this is going to be easy but, fortunately, it is also clear that austerity - that great friend of tripe - isn't over yet."

28 March 2019

Tripe sales 'may be rising' says TMB chairman

Early indications for the first quarter of 2019 indicate that sales of tripe may have risen for the first time since 1954.

Sir Norman Wrassle
Although tripe sales have fallen for 241 successive quarters, Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said it now looked as though tripe may have "finally turned the corner". 

Speaking at a meeting of the Westhaughton Women's Guild last night, Sir Norman expressed cautious optimism about the rise, whilst warning that provisional sales figures from retailers still had to be validated and that there were still four days left of the quarter.

He attributed the rise to the TMB's decision last month to encourage panic buying as the deadline for Brexit approached on 29 March. "We deliberately fostered an image of calm for the entire period up to the beginning of March, then switched to promoting panic," he said.

Sir Norman said the subsequent decision by the Government to delay Brexit meant that the TMB may now be able to refine what he called its 'Keep Calm then Panic' strategy over the next few weeks to ensure that the increase in sales continued.

He was speaking on the eve of his departure for a short TMB fact finding visit to Lanzarote.  "It's almost two years since we last visited, so I will be interested to see if we can unearth any new facts," he said.

14 February 2019

TMB chairman cancels speech for key Euro meeting

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has apologised for cancelling a number of  scheduled engagements next week due to a requirement for him to attend top-level European talks to discuss the future of tripe.

Sir Norman Wrassle
Speaking earlier today, Sir Norman said he was particularly disappointed not to be attending the annual general meeting of the Garstang Ladies' League, which has been a regular feature on his calendar for the last eight years.

Sir Norman will be meeting key industry leaders in Las Palmas in Gran Canaria for a three day summit early next week. He hopes the meeting will also confirm the principal venue for this year's World Tripe Day celebrations on 24 October.  There are currently three cities competing to host the event which in previous years has been held in Madrid, Rome and Sofia. "At this stage of the year we normally have this matter decided, but I can see I shall have to knock some heads together if we are to reach an agreement soon," he said.

Sir Norman confirmed that his trip next week was not part of the TMB's regular schedule of fact finding visits, so he was not expecting to be visiting any abattoirs, but added "If the opportunity presents itself, I'm sure I'll find it difficult to turn it down." 

2 February 2019

TMB chairman denies plans to move HQ

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle last night dismissed media reports that the TMB is planning to move its operating base in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

Rumours of the possible move began circulating after the Leyland Evening Argus reported that Sir Norman had been spotted with a ‘Teach yourself Maltese’ book under his arm.

Speaking at the annual gala dinner of the Preston Ladies' League, Sir Norman dismissed the suggestion as "idle speculation and gossip," adding "Things have come to a pretty pass when a chap can’t read a book without two and two being added to make four." He went on to blame malign vegan influences in the north west media who were conspiring to stop people eating meat based products.

Sir Norman confirmed that the TMB had a number of fact finding trips in the pipeline, including visits to Gran Canaria, Bratislava and Lanzarote.  "It is vitally important that we stay ahead of the game by exploring all possible export markets, whatever the outcome of the Brexit negotiations," he said, and pointed to the success of the TMB's short video on the subject, which had already been viewed over 30,000 times.

20 January 2019

TMB chairman denies encouraging 'panic buying' of tripe.

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has today denied suggestions that the TMB is stoking up demand for tripe by encouraging consumers to 'panic buy' in the run-up to Brexit on 30 March.

The denial came during a live debate on Yorkshire Radio's flagship Sunday morning politics show Mardy after John Barr-Coad, Visiting Professor of Retail Psychology at the University of Wakefield, had accused the TMB of frightening consumers into buying tripe.

Professor Barr-Coad said that a TMB video released via social media and which purported to instruct potential purchasers to 'relax' actually used reverse psychology in an attempt to encourage them to panic.  "Before this video was issued, I doubt anyone was seriously wondering about a shortage of tripe after Brexit," he said.

Sir Norman described the claim as "ridiculous", adding: "We simply want to assure customers that there are enough stocks of tripe to cope with demand - and, in our judgement, there always will be."  He said that simply using the word 'relax' once or twice could not be grounds for claiming that the TMB was trying to scare people.

During questions, Sir Norman admitted there had been something of an 'uptick' in sales since the video was released last week, but claimed this was due to people tiring of a diet of pulses and tofu during the first two weeks of 'Veganuary'. 

10 January 2019

Chairman rails against LGBTQ

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has condemned organisers of an LGBTQ parade due to take place in Lancashire this weekend, accusing them of politicising what is a "centuries old tradition."

Sir Norman Wrassle
His comments came after he was not invited to this year's Tripe Dresser's Sunday, making it  the first time in living memory that the TMB would not be represented at the event.  

Traditionally, this is the day when tripe dressers unveil their new aprons and parade proudly through the streets of local Lancashire villages, scattering shreds of their old aprons which are then devoured by stray dogs and small children.

The editorial panel of the Longridge and Goosnargh Butchers' Tripe Quarterly (LGBTQ) magazine has denied that the omission was linked to the TMB’s controversial move to its new Headquarters in Barnsley, but Sir Norman said "It is hard to escape this conclusion, as I have heard reports that a flat-bed truck has been seen carrying my ceremonial chair festooned with banners reading ‘Vacancy’."

Sir Norman has demanded a meeting with the LBGTQ to "sort this matter out in the old fashioned way”.

3 January 2019

TMB chairman 'not in hiding'

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has denied rumours circulating in the Lancashire media that he is in hiding, following a series of vicious responses to a Tweet he issued yesterday.

The Tweet, in which Sir Norman expressed disappointment that Greggs the bakers had launched a vegan version of their acclaimed sausage roll, drew immediate fire from Twitter-based vegans, with over 60 responses received within an hour.  

Sir Norman's Tweet
Earlier today Shaun Jacobs, host of the Lancashire Radio 6am news round-up show Morn', Shaun, fielded a number of calls from listeners who accused Sir Norman of 'deserting his post' and 'hiding away' when news emerged that he had cancelled his scheduled lunchtime speech to the Chorley Soroptimists.

In fact, Sir Norman was still in Jamaica, where he has been forced to extend his Christmas fact finding visit due to the knock-on effects of the delays caused at Gatwick by non-existent drones late last year.

Speaking from the capital Kingston this afternoon, Sir Norman said he was naturally disappointed not to be able to honour today's engagements, but denied suggestions that he had been asked to stay away from his home because of worries about militant vegans.

"I'll be back in the UK as soon as it's safe and feasible for me to be so - ready to start the long march that will surely see 2019 become the Year of Tripe!" he said.